- At 18, I was forced to give up my newborn son. For 31 years, I searched for him. Then the surgeon who saved my life wore the cross I had tucked into his blanket, and the story I had been told began to unravel.
- I was 18 when I told my parents I was pregnant.
- My mother dropped the dish towel.
- My father shoved his chair back so hard it struck the wall.
- “Who knocked you up?” he yelled. “Give me his name. When I get my hands on him…”
- I clutched at the silver cross I wore around my neck. It had belonged to my grandmother. Her initials, E. M, were engraved on the back.
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I was pregnant.
- “No! I’m not telling you.”
- The words were out before I thought them through.
- I’d never defied my parents so openly before.
- Mom shook her finger at me.
- “Don’t speak to your father that way. After everything we’ve done for you.”
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“Give me his name.”
- “You tell me his name, now.” Dad braced his palms against the table and loomed over me. “I’m going to speak to his parents myself and sort this mess out.”
- They were calling my baby a mess.
- I put my hand over my stomach. “I’m keeping my baby.”
- “You have no money,” Dad said. “No home except this one. Remember that before you start making demands.”
-
“I’m keeping my baby.”
- Dad was wrong.
- I had Daniel, my baby’s father.
- When I’d told him I was pregnant last week, he’d been concerned first, then ecstatic.
- He held me close and lifted me off my feet.
- “I’m going to be a dad!” he crowed.
-
Dad was wrong.
- We’d talked for hours and eventually made a plan.
- ***
- “We rent something small,” he’d said. “One bedroom. I’ll paint it yellow.”
- “What if I hate yellow?”
- “Then you choose. I’ll still paint it.”
- I’d laughed and leaned against him. “Your parents won’t like it.”
-
We made a plan.
- “Neither will yours. But they won’t be paying the rent.”
- He’d pressed his hand over mine on my stomach.
- “I’ll come for both of you. I promise.”
- ***
- Dad sent me to my room when he finally realized I wasn’t going to tell him who the baby’s father was.
- I waited a few minutes, then slipped out the window to see Daniel.
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“I’ll come for both of you. I promise.”
- Daniel hadn’t been around lately, but I needed him to know what had just happened.
- I hurried to his house, then froze on the sidewalk.
- There was a for-sale sign on his lawn.
- I knocked, walked around the side, and peered through a window.
- The sofa where we’d sat together was gone. So were the curtains.
-
Daniel hadn’t been around lately.
- A neighbor was watering her roses.
- “They moved,” she said. “Didn’t leave an address, hon.”
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“When?”
- “Three days ago.”
- I stayed on the step after she went inside.
-
“They moved.”
- Daniel knew about the baby.
- Whatever he’d decided about me, how could he leave without explaining?
- ***
- I tried calling, but the number was disconnected.
- After that, I had nowhere else to call. I couldn’t ask my parents to help find him.
- Suddenly, the baby and I were all alone against my parents.
-
How could he leave?
- I began searching for a job and a cheap room.
- I called about a room above a laundromat. The woman sounded kind until I mentioned the baby.
- I crossed it off and worked out what the next listing would cost. My savings wouldn’t cover the deposit and the first month’s rent.
- “That won’t cover a roof and diapers,” my father said, glancing at my figures.
-
I began searching for a job.
- I turned the paper over and kept calculating.
- I needed to find a way to make this work.
- ***
- Then my parents changed.
- Mom came to an appointment and held my hand during the scan. Dad stopped interrupting whenever I mentioned the baby.
-
My parents changed.
- One night, they sat me at the kitchen table.
- “We’ll figure this out,” Mom said. “You won’t have to do it alone.”
- “We’ll help you,” Dad added.
- “You mean I can bring him home?”
- Mom nodded.
-
“We’ll help you.”
- I cried before I could ask anything else.
- I had spent weeks counting money that wasn’t enough. Now, somebody was saying we could manage.
- ***
- I found part-time work at a bakery.
- Mom cleared a drawer for the baby’s clothes.
-
I cried.
- Dad asked whether we needed a crib.
- At night, I taught myself to crochet from a library book.
- The first bootie came out crooked. I undid it and tried again.
- When Mom helped fold a tiny shirt, I moved aside to make room for her.
- I wanted this new version of us to last so badly that I never questioned it.
-
I taught myself to crochet.
- I chose the name. Fabian.
- At night, I whispered it to my belly.
-
“Fabian. Hi, Fabian.”
- I no longer thought about Daniel. He’d clearly changed his mind and abandoned us both.
- ***
- Fabian was born a few weeks after I finally finished a passable pair of booties.
-
He’d abandoned us both.
- He was warm and furious and perfect.
- When the nurse placed him against me, I forgot to be frightened. I loved him so much!
- Before the nurse took him for his checkup, I undid the clasp on my grandmother’s silver cross.
- I tucked it into his blanket.
- “So you’ll always have something from me,” I whispered.
-
I loved him so much!
