Don’t make things worse.

So I called him back.

“Daniel, if you had a chance to tell Bill the truth in front of everyone, would you take it?”

“Mom, what are you planning?”

“Something your father would’ve enjoyed. But I need to know you’re willing.”

He hesitated. “I’m scared, Mom.”

I wasn’t going to make that mistake again.

“So am I, sweetheart.”

“Okay, Mom. I’ll do it.”

“Good. And I’ll take care of everything else.”

I smiled.

After we hung up, I called Linda and asked if she’d let me say a few words at the celebration. She agreed without asking what I had planned.

It’s time I got back to performing. And believe me, Bill won’t enjoy being the punchline.

I need to know you’re willing.

***

Now, standing before Bill, I reached deeper into my gift bag.

“Ladies and gentlemen, I’ve brought your distinguished leader an award.”

Bill folded his arms.

“What kind of award?”

I pulled out a miniature plastic toilet.

Bill won’t enjoy being the punchline.

On its lid was a label:

WORLD’S BEST BOSS

Laughter spread through the room.

Bill reddened. “Is this supposed to be funny?”

“It’s a commemorative throne, sweetheart.”

I’ve brought your distinguished leader an award.

“Get off my stage.”

“Not before the presentation.”

I reached into the bag again.

“And here’s the matching accessory.”

I produced the dirty socks.

WORLD’S BEST BOSS.

Several guests gasped.

“Yesterday, your beloved boss generously donated these to my shopping cart.”

Someone laughed. “Bill, you did what?”

He lunged toward the bag.

I stepped aside. “Careful, sweetheart. At your age, getting this excited over a toilet can be dangerous.”

I produced the dirty socks.

The room erupted.

“You crazy old woman!”

“Crazy? Perhaps. But at least I know where my socks belong.”

“I’m the most successful businessman here!”

“Congratulations. Does success usually smell like that?”

Getting this excited over a toilet can be dangerous.

More laughter.

Bill snatched the microphone. “You know nothing about my company!”

“Then enlighten us.”

“I built the best business around! My employees love working for me!”

“Really?”

I’m the most successful businessman here!

“Absolutely!”

“Would they say that themselves?”

“Every single one!”

Exactly the answer I’d been hoping for.

“Wonderful. Then you won’t mind if we hear from one of them.”

My employees love working for me!

Bill laughed. “Go ahead! Pick anyone!”

I looked toward the tables. “Daniel, sweetheart, would you come up here?”

A chair scraped against the floor.

Daniel approached the stage.

“Bill,” he said, “meet my mother.”

We hear from one of them.

Bill went pale. “She’s your mother?”

“The very same.”

I took the microphone. “Daniel, your boss says everyone loves working here. Is that true?”

Daniel swallowed.

For a second, I thought he’d retreat.